"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always
agree with them."
- George Bush
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a
guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
"Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old.
He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old
- Ron Fairley, Giants' broadcaster
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager
"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more
information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player
"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
- Basepall Player Pedro Guerrero on reporters
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and
ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost (1874-1963)
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a
woman It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly
by. Douglas Adams
--Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year
and spends very little on office supplies.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that
is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further
steps would be taken
I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here
for the drugs.
--Nancy Reagan former First Lady
I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing
to play with.
I just thought of something funny...your mother.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States,
unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend,
an acquaintance, or a stranger
--Franklin P. Jones
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Joel, 14 Advice from Kids
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein
Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to
services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will
be cut right out from under your feet."
- Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister
"Wait a minute! I'm not interested in the agriculture. I want
the military stuff."
- Senator William Scott (R-Va.) during a Pentagon briefing.
"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number
- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was
being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is."
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated
that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't
understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who
your dentist is?"
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught
me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was
"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred,
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget
to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to
"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's
no use being a damn fool about it."
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land
on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?"
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to
grow but phone calls taper off."
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone
wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one
"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed
down if it had to go through Congress."
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out
of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just
having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when
they're eating sandwiches."
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash."
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to
bed with me, she said 'no'."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into
an open sewer and die."
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of
those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth
and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either
of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples
I'd come out sucking my thumb."
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him
of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is
that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis
" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look
at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian
because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I
couldn't explain away afterwards."
"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for
United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure
"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never
"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
"When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag
in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."
Top chef Raymond Blanc
"It's OK for him to ponce about in the kitchen spending hours
cooking, but I bet he doesn't have to juggle picking up the kids from
school and running a house."
An un-named mother's response to M. Blanc.
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's
not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence
"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of
the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this
mean that the other three enjoy it?
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are
driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on
it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara
had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it
as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men
are just grateful."
Robert DE Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many
men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think,
I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
don't like and just give her a house."
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."
How smart are you?
Take this free online IQ
Test to find out!
By Abraham Lincoln
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool
than to speak out and remove all doubt.
By Henry Kissinger
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's
fraternizing with the enemy.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
By Emo Phillips
When I was born they threw away the mold. Well, some
of it grew back.
By Erma Bombeck
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
By Redd Fox
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of nothing.
By N. Matejic
The wages of sin are death - but the hours are good
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones,
at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are
fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"